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Bad Idea, Icky Feeling – GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE

GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE is what a children’s movie must look like in Hell.

Inspired by Rockie’s blurb about the impending release of THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE, I wanted to take on the wrongest, most ickyness-inducing movies ever. And ranking highest among those is this 1987 movie — inspired by the Topp’s trading cards — mainly because it tries to be something else entirely: family entertainment. Just those two concepts — “this movie” and “family entertainment” –  placed within the same sentence are enough to give me a serious case of the heebie jeebies. There’s so much wrong with this movie — to begin with there’s the grotesque abominations themselves, which look like they were crafted out of real human skin by Francis Bacon or Hieronymous Bosch, and the script, which is fueled by empty soulless humor — like comical muggings and funny amputation, and the direction, which lingers on Mackenzie Astin in a bowtie but no shirt, and the central premise, which is that a lack of control over bodily fluids is fun! Yay!! Just like in mental asylums and old folks homes, kids! I firmly believe that when Hunter S. Thomspson spoke of getting “The Fear” he was talking about renting this movie.

May 13, 2010   No Comments

Great Bad Movie – THE MANSTER

THE MANSTER is entertaining, educational, and only a little bit racist!

What’s up with me and movies where two heads share one body? I love ‘em! Guess it gets a little lonely up here, with my one head, and it’d be nice to have someone to talk to on long subway rides. But though it would have you believe it’s about the duality of heads, at its core this movie is a time capsule – of good-ol’-fashioned American values – like orientalism and xenophobia. See, a nice American reporter in Japan falls under the sway of an evil Japanese doctor, who gives him a potion that turns him into half man, half monster – and total asshole! Soon he cuts off all communication with his beautiful American fiancee, is plain rude to his American friends, and descends into drink and decadence – courtesy of those irresistible Japanese geishas! But good woman that she is, his fiancee crosses the Pacific to fight for her man – and what results is mad-science at its finest, punctuated by theremin and ambient beeping and highlighted by cave mutants, bad over-the-top acting, and an evil doctor who walks around explaining what he’s about to do! Pure hokum – you’ll laugh your heads off!

May 12, 2010   No Comments

Great Bad Movie – ROBOT MONSTER

ROBOT MONSTER is pure uncut What the Crap!?!?

“Overwhelming! Electrifying! Baffling!” promises the trailer, and to their credit they’re absolutely 1/3 correct. The movie begins with some very impressive sounding chit-chat between two gorillas in diving helmets – i.e. aliens – communicating via TV screen/bubble machine. The earthbound alien, Ro-man, recounts the destruction of all of humanity – a thing which he just did just now. Of course there’s a spunky young tyke eavesdropping outside his cave, so we know Ro-Man’s boasts are a bit premature, and Supreme commander corroborates this when he says “in the 22nd category there is error of 16 billionths” – which means 8 people are still alive – these aliens with their fancy English! Anyway, this all happens in the first 10 minutes, and the rest of the movie is even sillier, including some uncomfortable family dynamics as mother and son take on a surrogate father rather quickly and awkwardly. By movie’s end the filmmakers have succeeded in what I believe is their greatest lasting accomplishment: making Ed Wood look like Stanley Kubrick.

May 10, 2010   No Comments

Great Bad Movie – GOKE: BODY SNATCHER FROM HELL

GOKE politics + space vampire + cheap special effects = perfect late night nourishment.

Hajime Sato, the man who brought you the Sonny Chiba flick Terror Beneath The Sea (also wonderfully odd) brings you this colorful movie about a group of airline passengers stranded in a barren wasteland with a weird vampire-type-creature among them. Every once in a while a character will deliver an earnest speech about Imperialism or a glowing gelatinous ooze will escape from a gash in someone’s forehead – you know, art.

May 8, 2010   No Comments

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